Experience Church Humor…

Although this post can be readily identified with the Evangelical faith, the exposure that Christianity has enjoyed for what seems like a lifetime has certainly evolved into comedic proportions. Growing up in the “Black Church” can be classified as something quite different from a more “Anglo-Saxon” experience although they are not necessarily mutually exclusive. I can personally attest to this because I grew up in both so-called worlds simultaneously. In any case, I got the funniest email and I had to share a few things to help us understand why going to Church can be something quite hilarious even though it should be some of the most significant experiences in someone’s life.

Here are a list of 5 things that can really annoy you at Church

People who fake the Spirit. Just because your friend felt the touch don’t mean you did too. If you ‘re running
around the church and you stop out of breath after going only half way around we know you haven’t been touched. SIT DOWN!

People who constantly holler something to the pastor all during the message. We don’t need a comment from you after every sentence he makes. We know he’s ‘preaching’ and we know he’s talking to you. ‘SHUT UP’ so I can hear him talk to me
too.

People who over use the tambourine. Everybody isn’t meant to beat it. When you don’t do it right it is truly
aggravating and a nuisance. Keep still and sing like everybody else during the slow songs.

People who constantly go to the bathroom. Nobody has to use the bathroom four times a service and you’re clearly
not on a date. SIT YOUR BEHIND DOWN.

Finally, parents that dress better than their kids. If you come in looking l ike a model for a fashion show and little Ashley is dragging behind you looking like she belongs on a ‘Feed the Children’ commercial you’re DEAD WRONG. Give your child a ‘Just For Me perm’, wipe your kid’s nose, comb your kid’s hair, and buy them something decent to wear. Don’t come out of the house looking like a MILLION BUCKS while your kid is looking like a FOOD STAMP.

Let the Church say…. AMEN!

Now finally, keeping in the spirit (no pun intended) with this theme, let us take a look at a few vocabulary terms that will help us understand better what we may see in a Church that can be quote “Filled with the Spirit.” I had a conversation just recently with a friend about the very same subject and she mentioned to me how it can be sometimes terrifying to someone who does not understand certain things that happen in a “Black Church”. Again, please refrain from scolding me about using the term. It’s just a convenient way to be stereotypical enough to get my point across. In any case, I had to agree that it was certainly a frightening experience for when I was first told as a youngin that the lady in the hat, on the second row, in the aisle, running around was “Filled with the Spirit.” I had no idea what it meant, but I remember never wanting to be filled after the display. Here are a few of the terms to become familiar with:

Anointing: Used to describe any non-regular emotion (crying in the middle of a song when you forget the words, telling the church off (particularly when its over tithes and offering), doing the Olympic shout around the church (first one that hits the wall gets a white hanky tied around their neck!)

Trick of the Enemy; also phrased – That ain’t nothing but the Devil: Used to describe anything that happens because you didn’t do what you were supposed to, like your car getting repossessed cause you didn’t pay the note, lights getting shut off cause you quit work to go on tour with the pastors choir, or your child repeating the first grade cause he missed the whole second semester to go on a 90 day/90 night fast and consecration. *Of course, we know there is grace*

Rhema Word: Any message from an out-of-town pastor or evangelist

Prophetic Word: Same message from that out-of-town pastor, delivered 5 decibels louder, while the congregation is standing. Quiet organ music optional, but works better with silence.

Carnal: Used to describe a saint who goes to the movies. This term doesn’t apply if you rent the same movie from Blockbuster

Unlock Your Blessing: What preachers say after they’ve finished preaching, and they say you must
give $50 to “unlock your blessing.” For a more dramatic effect, this offering can be started at $1,000 and worked down to $25.

Didn’t God Move?: What saints say after a long service where the pastor doesn’t preach and they just shout the whole service.

He’ll Do It If You Let Him (followed by inaudible tongues): Round one of shouting; will begin in 5 minutes. Organist get ready.

We Got To Move On: What the preacher says when he wants shout time to start up again. Organist, turn up the volume on Leslie

We Have Time for One More Testimony: Not really, we’re just waiting on the pastor to come into service. If you’re called on during this one, when you hear clapping, just stop talking, cause the pastor has walked in and people are no longer interested in what God did for you.

We Can Never Pay for the Word: Get your checkbook out, the auction will begin momentarily! This phrase always comes before the offering is taken for the guest speaker.

God Has Been Dealing with Me on Some Issues: I’m still doing what I was doing before I got saved, only now I just put in an extra $5 in my offering when I do it.

I Can’t Get No Help: Preachers say this when no one says amen in the spot they thought would get a lot of amens.

I’m Blessed and Highly Favored: Said when a fellow saint asks “how are you?” Memo to saints: you CAN be saved and answer “fine” when someone asks how are you.

Get Ready, Get Ready, Get Ready!!!: Don’t really know what this one means, but if you’re not careful, a shout could break out when you say it. It must be said three times to have real impact.

Get Ready To Go To The Next Level: This means the church will be hosting another revival in a few months.

Give God a Shabach: Scream to the top of your lungs. Some church members may blow whistles and wave flags as well.

Every Head Bowed, Every Eye Closed: Quick! Everyone look around to see who’s getting saved again this week.

Secular: Any person, place, object or event that’s not in the church.

The “Yes Lord” Song: Signals the official end to shout time. Anyone still shouting when this song
is over is considered to be “in self”.

Prayer Partner: Phone buddy. 5 minutes of prayer, 1 hour of church gossiping.

Now, I know it seems that after all of this, I am being hard on the Church and you may take this as an offensive post. If you’re spiritual life is not balanced, then I am not suprised. Don’t feel guilty if you’re laughing. Just remember that we are still human no matter what our aspirations are in this life. This is to teach us that “being saved” is truly an honor and not to be taken for granted or for mockery. It is not God who doesn’t draw us nearer to Him, it’s us who get in the way of the greater move. Something to think about.